Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
