When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
