The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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