That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
