I like to think it a success when the cops are called
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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