genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
