You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Who died my cat blue again?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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