5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
