My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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