Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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