He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i drank out of a bidet.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
