I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
