If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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