i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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