I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
