you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
