Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
