listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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