I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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