Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
