I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
