dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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