My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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