I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
