Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
please don't ironically join a cult
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