My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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