Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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