I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
