he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
