I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
