im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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