That's intense
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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