I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
