someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I want her autograph on my taint
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Randomize
