Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
