Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
