she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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