Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
The best revenge is premature balding
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
