So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He better not be in your backpack
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
