just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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