why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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