seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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