I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
