then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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