The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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