Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
