Plan B is the new Plan A
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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