I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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