just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
