My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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